My first sweet girl, Ellie.
My second precious girl, Kailey.I've been having a lot of conflicting feelings lately. My biggest has to be my feelings about my girls. Most specifically, Kailey. Now, I love my beautiful girls with everything in me. They are my life and soul. But I've been struggling to understand what it is that I don't understand about Kailey. It's very hard to describe, but something about her, I just couldn't understand. She is so much different than Ellie. Not bad or good, just different. She is her own little person, with her own mind, her own attitude, and her own sweet, delicious babyness. But something just kept making me sad, and I just didn't understand why. And I felt so incredibly guilty. How can I be sad? I've always wanted 2 girls. I have exactly what I want. Right?
Then, my dear sweet friend Jennifer wrote her post. Now you must know she is this wonderful person with four gorgeous children, she always looks so pretty and put together. Yet she is real, genuine and sweet. She writes just how she talks and lives her life the same way. She is one of those people you just want to be. But, I digress. She wrote this wonderful post about her daughter Molly. And when I read that, I suddenly understood. Kailey is not Ellie. She is my beautiful little precious Kailey. And I cherish her babyhood so very much. But I miss my baby Ellie. I miss her sweet smell, her beautiful smile. I miss that feeling I felt the very first time I became a mommy, and held my baby. (girl, you think you were young, I was all of 22, and got ratted out to the social worker for not going to bath class!) I miss her blue eyes, her fat little legs and her soft, chubby baby feet. She has grow from this adorable baby into this sweet big sister. When Kailey was born, I got a new baby to love. Another pair of fat legs, soft feet, and beautiful eyes. Her own beautiful grins and giggles. But a part of me wanted my first baby back. The baby that is forever gone. And how I am watching my new baby grow so fast right before my eyes and I desperately want to hold on to this moment for as long as possible. I need to savor these moments, because they go so very quickly.
So, I feel much less guilty today. Much less like there is something wrong me. That I can love my sweet Kailey, and still cherish the babyhood of my precious Ellie. Thank you to my friend, who bared her soul so I could know that I am not crazy.
2 comments:
oh jill. it is so funny that we all think the same things of each other. im hardly that put together and my life is hairy and crazy lots of the times.
i totally get what you are feeling, and yes that is it. your missing ellie, that first feeling of everthing. being able to be pampered and spoiled and love the moment with one child. now life is pulled and stressed and more busy. doesnt mean you dont love and cherish your second (totally gorgeous) baby any less, its just the freeness and time isnt there.
be nicer to yourself, your the person people think is always together and beautiful. (just look at that craft room!!)
First of all I love your blog, I love the songs, the pictures, and the realness of it. You are a great Mommy, you can tell by how honest you write. Those feelings you have of guilt, I certainly remember feeling that way. I felt like it was unfair of me to bring a second baby into the world, because I loved my first baby so much. Oh, but just you wait, they will have so much fun being sisters. You will have so much fun watching them. I think its hard when you have more than one child to look after, you feel afraid there is not enough of you to go around, but there is. All of their differences make them unique individuals and life more interesting. It gets easier I promise. Hang in there.
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