Rapunzel, Rapunzel

My girl, in her brand new hat. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, but I simply could not wait. And she  loves it. If you have ever seen the movie, "Tangled" you know that Rapunzel is an ornery little princess.

Kailey channels her well :)

She perches on her climber, and waits for somebody to tell her to let down her hair. She wore it to the mall. She wore it out to take Ellie to religion. And she isn't taking it off anytime soon.

The Window

He is just so cute :)

The proverbial saying says something about whenever God closes a door, he always opens a window.

Do you all ever sit around and wonder just when exactly is that is gonna happen? Or perhaps, your window like mine, is cracked. But you just can't seem to get it shoved all the way open. Maybe it is stuck. Maybe something is blocking it. Maybe somebody painted over it.

I sit here tonight, supposed to be writing something profound to add to my already very long thesis paper. And lately, all I can see is the endless road ahead of us. The hole that we didn't dig, but somehow have to climb out of. The roadblock after roadblock that has been thrown our way. The daily grind of our new life that somehow doesn't seem like any kind of life. I find myself trying to survive each day, only to regret the fact that I am wishing my kids' childhood away. I lay awake each night hoping I don't drop all these balls I have gotten thrown. And I can't see the end. It isn't there. Which makes it all that much harder.

Some days I wish I could just let it all go. Quit my job and school and focus on my kids. Sell this house and get out from the separation of my family, and from the ever-present entity that attempted to destroy us. Every time I step outside I am reminded of it. And while I am doing my best to not be bitter and angry and defeated, I cannot just let go of the fact that much of what happened this past year was done to us, through no fault of our own. Yet we are left to pick up the pieces, hanging by the thinnest thread, and trapping us in unavoidable and frustrating circumstances.

Steve Jobs said something in his famous speech at Stanford about the dots connecting. You cannot look forward and see how all this will affect your life. You can only look back and see that, because of it, you are where you are today. I know our dots are all leading us somewhere. That is what keeps me going. Knowing that there is so much ahead of us that will be better. Someday I won't have to work every weekend. Someday I will get to spend more than a couple hours a week with my husband. Someday, my kids will know that we did everything we could to keep things stable for them during this time. And that we tried so very hard to make their futures good, too.

I am thankful. I am thankful for the friends who let me whine and cry and complain. I am thankful for the mother in law that watches my kids every single week, and gets up in the middle of the night so I can take the sick one to the urgent care. I am very thankful for my husband's boss, who lets him work out a schedule to help me work, helping us climb out of that hole. And I am thankful that what we have gone through is so much less than what others have had to endure. Our path isn't pretty, but I know that many would choose ours in a heartbeat over what they have had to walk.

So, about that window. I know that I can't see what will open it just yet. But I have faith that it will. However, if any of you all has a crowbar, let me know :)

So, Do You Ever Update Your Blog Anymore?

I seem to hear that a lot lately.

Well, the short answer is no. I am very busy.

And the long answer? Single parenthood is kicking my tail.

Working, going to school, and keeping up with Ellie's school has pretty much encompasses all my time these last several weeks. I decided not to send Kailey to preschool this year, so I am homeschooling her, or whatever it is you call doing some preschool stuff at home. Add that to the fact that I am doing most of it by myself, and well, sometimes the ball gets dropped. The good news is that I am only currently in one class for my masters. And that I only have 4 left to be done. That number is such a beautiful number!
The kids and I are attempting to adjust to this new lifestyle as best we can. We can't sell our house right not. Too many factors play into that to name off, but for the time being, we are here, and the daddy is there. I hope this won't be the case forever. Time will tell. It would help if our economy would get up off it's sorry behind and get a move on.
So, for right now, I am a single parent during the week, going to school. And on the weekend nights, I work. So they will keep paying for my school. It has been a rough road. The kids seem to be doing better recently. There are less tears, more sleeping. Less anxiety and more smiles. And, they have discovered beef. Which they love!
For now, I am focusing on what I must do each day to survive these next several months. Our lives will be so much different this time next year. I tell my kids that this isn't forever. Sometimes I tell myself that too.

And sometimes, I eat ice cream with peanut butter when everybody else is in bed, and watch trashy movies while I am doing homework. Because I can :)

A Story About Change

Once upon a time, there was a family.

The family was happy. Life was good.

But, like every family, the rain falls occasionally. Sometimes, when it rains, the flowers grow brighter and bigger. Sometimes, the river floods the town.

The family had been through a few floods. Some of which, everybody could see. Some of which, they chose not to tell. All of which, led them to where they are now. And even after the hardest of rains, you sometimes get the most beautiful rainbow.

The family got a rainbow. A bright, shining rainbow that came out of the clear blue sky. One they wouldn't have expected to come, didn't expect. But, a much needed and welcome rainbow.

The rainbow is a new job. In another town. A job that they sought him out, and asked him to interview. In what turned out to be the perfect one for him. And will be for us all.

Now the family is faced with a few new challenges. First of all, there is a "situation" that must be resolved. The family cannot move until it is. Then, there is a house to sell. They hope. Then, the mommy must decide how to proceed with her school. And her work. Both of which she is bound to by the other. And there is the task of hopefully finding somewhere to live when it is time.

The daddy has started the job, awhile ago. He is gone. The mommy must raise the children, go to work and school, and somehow prepare to sell the house. If they are able to. It is a daunting task, complicated by softball and ill children.

In every good rainbow story, the end is full of a pot of gold. We are hoping that the proverbial pot of gold means more stability for our little family. We know this is the right choice. We just have to get to the end of that rainbow.

One

How quickly a year goes by. The baby I delivered one year ago today is now such a handsome little fellow. A little guy who loves to give kisses and feed his puppies. Who tries so hard to keep up with his big sisters. Who will dive headfirst into a bathtub if we are not fast enough. Who takes everything out of my drawers, just to see how far he can throw them. Who will take many steps, but just not quite brave enough to walk. Who smiles and laughs and babbles and is all around a happy guy.

Happy Birthday, my sweet baby boy. I have loved every minute of you this last year, and while I am a little sad you are growing up, I can't wait to see what you have in store for us.

My Kind of Fairy Tale

Because we all need a bit of humor in our lives...

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating

ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant

meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was

once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,

young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up

housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my

needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog

legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and

thought to herself:

“I don’t freaking think so!”

Survival Tips

Survival of the fittest. That phrase has taken on a new meaning for me these last several month. Events beyond our control have led us down this path that we are currently walking. It has been very hard on us all, and we hope that this awful journey ends very soon. I hate what it does to a family. My poor kids can sense all this stress, and you can clearly see how much it affects them as well. The term "pain and suffering" take on an entirely new meaning.

In the meantime, I have learned a few thing about frugality. While I have taught myself a lot over the past few years, these last months have shown me how much I still have to learn. For example:

• You really can use nearly everything in your fridge before it goes bad. You have to be creative. However, your children may not eat it, so continue to invest in peanut butter.
• When getting ready for a garage sale, one comes face to face with one's clothing habits. Specifically how one's children got clothed. And that they probably didn't need quite so many choices.
• Cheap backpacks break. Quickly. After you have bought 3 cheap backpacks, you should just invest in the good one the 4th time.
• Bread is super duper cheap to make. And super easy and yummy. However, bread could make you fat. Probably not your husband or children, but you should watch out.
• Pasta, however, is super cheap to buy, and a pain in the rear to make.
• When your daughter wants a cake made by you for her birthday, you might be touched, and think "that will be so much cheaper!". However, after you have made the three-tier confection filled with 3 fillings and 2 kinds of cakes, and frosted with about 5 pounds of powdered sugar and 15 sticks of butter, you realize that Costco makes an incredibly cheap cake. 
• Sometimes, you get very frustrated at the lack of Christmas presents, or the meager Easter baskets. You stomp around and complain to your husband about how unfair it all is, that this stupid situation is hurting your children more than anyone else. Your husband remains calm and assures you that they will love the presents and baskets. They do, of course. But you don't admit that to him.
• Sometimes, you scrimp and save for so long, you take a bit of that and take a vacation. Like to the beach. And you scrimp while you are there. And you don't eat breakfast or lunch so that your kids can eat the little food that will fit in the fridge at the hotel. So you can afford the afternoon ice cream sundaes for them. And seeing the stress melt off their little faces makes it all worth it. 
• That somehow, you can afford the second mortgage amount you are paying out in one certain bill each month. Because you have been working so very hard to keep afloat. Because you have no other choice. There is no way out.
• That, in the end, it is only money. Your kids are healthy. Your husband is healthy. You are healthy. 
• And that you do have true friends. People who let you complain and whine and cry about the whole rotten situation. People who tell you how rotten it is with you. People who are right beside you, no matter what.

When it is all said and done, I try to remember that we have a lot to be thankful for. I try not to dwell on the fact that our hard work and planning for the future has been wiped out and put on hold. I am happy we have been able to float so far. We are surviving.

The Princess and Her Potty

Kailey has a problem. An attitude problem. She is refusing to be potty trained. Not unready, not confused, too little, or misunderstanding. Refusing. And my child refusing me is not something that goes over well.

"No, Mama, I not gonna potty train today."

"I not gonna sit on dat big girl potty. I just gonna try later"

"I can't go sit on dat big girl potty, cause I busy."

It's much more irritating in person, I assure you.

 I have tried it all. Bribing, pleading, begging, ordering, rewarding Ellie for going potty. None of it makes any difference. (Although Ellie's brilliant idea is that she should start pretending she is not potty trained anymore and get rewards for going on the potty to show Kailey what happens. I drew the line there :)

So my friend gave me a book, called "The Princess and the Potty." Very fitting. The princess won't use the potty, the potty makers in all the land make all kinds of pretty potties that do not please the princess. You know how it ends, the princess eventually gets fancy pants and goes on the potty.

We read it over and over. She loves it so much. Loves hearing about the princess and the potty.

So, one day, I am in the bathroom changing the baby and she points to the potty.


 "Mama, see dat big girl potty?"

"Yes?"

"Dat big girl potty right over there?"

"Yes Kailey, I see it. What about it?" (getting all excited)

"Dat potty does not pwease me."

I think we have a ways to go :)

Nobody's Favorite

"Mama, how come I am nobody's favorite?" Ellie said to me today.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"I just mean, I used to be everybody's favorite and now I am nobody's. Well, I mean, we aren't anybody's. We are not anybody's favorites anymore."

I just hated hearing her say that. I know why she said it, and I know what she means (because, of course, I know the rest of the story that doesn't belong on the internet.)  I can't explain how other people feel or why they act the way they do. I didn't even know how to respond.  So I said the only thing I could say.

"You guys will always be my favorites."

Please don't let me ever be the parent who favors one child over the others. Or who treats one child with less love and understanding. Please let me always love all my kids with all my heart. And their kids, too. Please give me the wisdom and understanding to help my children grow happy and confident in themselves. To show them that they are worth more than I could ever relay to them. Give me the words to explain to my children the things in life that are hard, and that sometimes, we can't understand.

And please, please, let my babies know that they will always be OUR favorites.