A Secret Obsession

Miss butterfly
Well, if I was a giraffe, this is what I'd look like. But now mommy has to find a kitty.
I love my tea party!
Ellie playing soccer
Kailey observing soccer

Ok, I have a confession to make. I am a bit ashamed to say it.

A few days ago in Target, they have an aisle with Christmas cards and stockings and lights. Little pink princess trees and teeny ornaments.

And I was so happy!!! I know it is way too early. And I moan and groan with everyone else when I see it in the stores. But secretly, I love it!

I love Christmas. I love everything about it. The season, the music, the lights, the treats. I have been working on my super cool christmas card for months. (which, by the way, I am slightly irritated that my SIL used my idea for her wedding invite, but in all fairness, she may not have known I've been working on this since before she got engaged, and they don't read this anyways) The girls and I have been scoping out the ornaments at hallmark, and can't wait for the premier in October. I know Halloween and Thanksgiving need their day. I think so too, and I love those holidays as well. We are all decked out for Halloween around here. But I tell you, the tree would be up Nov. 1 if it were up to me. But, as to not appear abnormal, I'll wait for Thanksgiving weekend. I have most of the girls presents already bought. I love having kids to buy for. That is just the most fun ever. Pretty much everyone else it more difficult. I just am not into the whole present thing, I guess. I mean, I've made some nice homemade gifts for people in the past, who seem to not like them. They'd rather have something store bought. Which of course makes me kinda crabby cause I spent a lot of time and thought on something. Now I'm just ranting. That happens sometimes. My mommy is going to tell me to be nice. But the invoved parties won't read this anyways :)
Anyways, don't hate me, OK? I secretly love all those pretty ornaments and tacky character stocking. All the bright lights and ridiculous flashing christmas trees. The red and green next to the orange and black. I love it all. But, if you ask me in public, I'll deny it all too.

A Hard Thing to Write

My first sweet girl, Ellie.
My second precious girl, Kailey.

I've been having a lot of conflicting feelings lately. My biggest has to be my feelings about my girls. Most specifically, Kailey. Now, I love my beautiful girls with everything in me. They are my life and soul. But I've been struggling to understand what it is that I don't understand about Kailey. It's very hard to describe, but something about her, I just couldn't understand. She is so much different than Ellie. Not bad or good, just different. She is her own little person, with her own mind, her own attitude, and her own sweet, delicious babyness. But something just kept making me sad, and I just didn't understand why. And I felt so incredibly guilty. How can I be sad? I've always wanted 2 girls. I have exactly what I want. Right?

Then, my dear sweet friend Jennifer wrote her post. Now you must know she is this wonderful person with four gorgeous children, she always looks so pretty and put together. Yet she is real, genuine and sweet. She writes just how she talks and lives her life the same way. She is one of those people you just want to be. But, I digress. She wrote this wonderful post about her daughter Molly. And when I read that, I suddenly understood. Kailey is not Ellie. She is my beautiful little precious Kailey. And I cherish her babyhood so very much. But I miss my baby Ellie. I miss her sweet smell, her beautiful smile. I miss that feeling I felt the very first time I became a mommy, and held my baby. (girl, you think you were young, I was all of 22, and got ratted out to the social worker for not going to bath class!) I miss her blue eyes, her fat little legs and her soft, chubby baby feet. She has grow from this adorable baby into this sweet big sister. When Kailey was born, I got a new baby to love. Another pair of fat legs, soft feet, and beautiful eyes. Her own beautiful grins and giggles. But a part of me wanted my first baby back. The baby that is forever gone. And how I am watching my new baby grow so fast right before my eyes and I desperately want to hold on to this moment for as long as possible. I need to savor these moments, because they go so very quickly.

So, I feel much less guilty today. Much less like there is something wrong me. That I can love my sweet Kailey, and still cherish the babyhood of my precious Ellie. Thank you to my friend, who bared her soul so I could know that I am not crazy.

Getting Stuff Done

These are my toes...

Well, I'm tired. Really tired. I've been on such a mission to get my house organized. For some reason, that has become the symbol of a good mom right now. Organized house, clean kitchen, means that when mommy goes back to to work, the children will be fed and the house won't look like a tornado hit it. We'll see I guess. Ellie and I started getting out the halloween decorations today. We found the giraffe costume we bought last year for Kailey. But, Ellie also found her witch costume from when she was a year old, and now wants to be a witch. I can't believe, but it still fits, so I guess we can do that. But then I need a black kitty, not a giraffe :)

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with everything lately. For example, we already drink hormone free milk and eat hormone free chicken (hormones bad for girls.) And of course, sodium lauryl sulfate in shampoo and soaps. BPA in plastic. All those have no place in my home. But then I've decided that we eat far too many additives in foods. So I began doing some research, and I just can't keep buying such foods. Have you ever looked at the labels? High fructose corn syrup is in EVERYTHING! I think my daughter is sweet enough and hyper enough, don't you? No need for all that sugar. So we are eating foods with as few preservatives and additives as possible. Really, I don't know if all these things cause cancer, or early puberty, or neurological disorders, etc. The reasearch isn't conclusive either way. But personally, I like to err on the side of caution. I'd rather not find out in 10 years that I was wrong.

So since my girl is eating her hormone free, additive free chicken nugguts and bunny crackers, drinking her hf milk out of her BPA free super cool big girl cups, smelling like her delicious smelling soap and shampoo that costs a fortune, I gotta save some money! My bloggy friend Andrea has got me started on CVSing, and I finally went on my first run yesterday. Gonna try again this week. I made myself a huge coupon binder (like a big dork) and sorted everything out so I can start saving serious money. I mean, really, this healthy, organic lifestyle is really putting a crimp in my fun money. Ellie and I haven't been to Panera in like, a month! :)

Some Random Pictures

I love it when I get to feed my baby a bottle!
And when you push this button here, it calls Grandma.
Ellie and her babies in their "sling"
My big sister is awfully funny!
Dear Santa or Daddy: Hint, Hint!

Kailey Loves Disney World

Make sure you pause the music player at the bottom!

My Secret

Want to know my secret?

Promise not to tell?

I don't want to go back to work.

Ever.

I want to stay home and be mommy every day. I don't want to worry about bringing home some icky bug to my girls. I want to snuggle my baby for all the precious time that I have left while she is still little. I want to dress up baby dolls, and go to pretend disney world every single day. I want to be that mom that picks her kids up everyday, and is here after school, and bakes cookies, and takes them to the park. The one who puts them to bed every night.

But I can't.

I have to go back to work. I have to contribute to the family. Namely, benefits. I have to make sure my girls see that women can and do take good care of their families and have careers at the same time. I have to show them that they don't have to be dependent on anyone for their own success and happiness. I have to keep fighting to make this world better so, maybe someday, they don't have to make such hard choices. That they don't have to worry about trying to pay for college. And can save for their own babies, and futures and dreams. And hopefully, work towards catching this nation up with other industrialized nations in terms of family benefits.

I have to fund real Disney World. And Europe. And all the places we want to take them.

I have to pay for dance lessons. And soccer. And ice skating, gymnastics, and whatever else they want to be involved in.

My girls deserve all that. And so much more.

So I have to go back to work. They'll be in good hands, 2 days a week, the baby with Daddy and the big sister at preschool. They will thrive. They will be fine, and happy. And I will take care of the sick babies, as Ellie says. And enjoy it. And be fine.

But I still don't want to go back to work.

Politics at My House

Now this in no way represents the political views of the voting adults who live here. I'm really not foolish enough to lay all my views out there for all to view/debate/criticize. But I just have to share this. Today there was a rally for the McCain/Palin ticket in KC. So we, trying to educate ourselves on the impending election, were watching. And all of the sudden, I notice Ellie clapping. Then she stopped. And watched intently. And clapped again. And I said "What are you clapping about? Do you even know what this is?" Well, she said, that's John McCain. As matter of factly as she would have said, well, thats mickey mouse. "So, do you know who John McCain is?" No. So I explained that we would vote for our president this year. And I explained we had to choose between McCain and Obama. So, mommy can I vote? No Ellie, only people who are 18 or more? Is Daddy 18? Daddy is 28. "Well, that is very old, so he can vote."
This after hearing an ad on the radio a few weeks ago in the car and she just sighed "Yes, we KNOW about John McCain. All they talk about is John McCain. Can't we just figure it out and STOP talking about it?'

Four year old logic kills me :)

My Creative Nook, And Other Big Ideas

Ellie's desk and the coloring desk (eventually for Kailey) in the back.
New desk and kid movie collection (notice the dog tail-between tripping over her and holding the baby, the pics aren't as good as I'd like)
My new scrapbook desk

Well, the first room in our home makeover is mostly finished. Matt built me a scrapbooking table based on a picture I'd seen in a magazine. I made a few design changes based our room, and he built it. It's wonderful! So big, plenty of room to spread out. He built Ellie her own desk in the corner for her drawing and art. And he built a low table for coloring. I am going to recover some pillows for them to sit on the floor. We need to straighten out the closet a bit more. It's pretty organized, but needs a little more attention, now that we took the doors off. That made so much more room in there. And find a new home for a few things, like the bookshelf with all Matt's computer books. And we took out that mostrosity of a desk we had and got something much smaller. We just piled junk on in anyways. Anyways, I'm so proud of it and my wonderful husband for building it. Now if the baby would just let me use it :)

We are working on the kitchen and playroom this weekend. Not nearly the project that the office was. Just painting and organizing and decluttering. I really, really want to get some of the clutter out of my house. We had to pack up and move so fast, I really didn't have time sort as much as I needed to. And I was too tired when I was pregnant. So now that I have much more energy, I am going to get as much done as I can.

Next hopefully will be our bedroom and bathroom. Both need painted. I am a serious fan of the $5 rack at home depot. We've painted tons of stuff based on paint we've found here. And it is much easier picking out colors. You either like it and it will work, or you don't. My kind of decision making right there.

The Ballerina

Thank goodness, my new swing is here. Sweet, blissful sleep...
Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for my fun new toy!
It's pretty and pink and so much fun!
And I think my big sister likes it too!
Her very first dance lesson.

Ellie took her very first dance lesson yesterday. She's been wanting to do dance for awhile, but I just kept not getting it done. Finally got her signed up and remembered why I hadn't done it yet. Dance costs a fortune. An absolute fortune. But you should have seen my girl picking out her leotard and skirt, and getting shoes. When we finally go to the studio, she skipped right up to the teacher to ask if she should put on her ballet or tap shoes. She was so very excited. She can't wait until next week to do it again. We also signed her up for soccer, which starts next week, and we are joining the neighborhood playgroup next week also. It's high time we made some new friends. She can't wait to do all this. Daddy nearly choked on the bill, but just look how happy she is!

We got Kailey's tea party exersaucer out of the box. Ellie and my mom picked that out for her well before she was born. She seems to like it, and Ellie seems to really like it. Although she did tell me, after awhile "Mom, this is kinda boring after 80 minutes." Good to know she's advanced beyond infant toys.