Decisions, Decisions

Here we are in our new house. We've been working and working to make it a nice and happy place for our children to live. They have been thriving in their new environment. They hardly know what to do with a Daddy that is home every night. Or with a Mommy that doesn't work every single weekend. I love being here on the weekends. I love being normal and sleeping normally again. I love being here every single day with my kids. And I have had some time, maybe too much time, to think.

Eight years ago, I had to put my first baby in daycare. I hated it. We had a fantastic provider who loved her like her own children. But I still hated that I wasn't there with her. I begged to stay home with her. I wanted it so badly. But the numbers didn't work out. Even then, health care insurance prohibited me from being able to afford any less than full time work. So I went back. I was sad. I cried so many nights. I felt like I was failing my baby. I hated that my friends were able to stay home with their babies, while I had to go to work. I envied those friends that had grandmas who were willing to watch their baby so they could work (my parents lived much too far away). I still remember a family member telling her friend, right in front of me, how she "hated that Ellie has to be in daycare all day." I hated her for that, for doubting what we had to do and for not being the support we so desperately could have used. (Bitter, much? Why yes, I am.)

Fast forward four years later, my career was thriving as was Matt's. We had another baby on the way, and after she was born, I was planning to quit. We had planned, and saved, and were totally prepared. I was excited. I was counting down the days. But, as life tends to do, two days before she was born, all our plans got derailed.  Now I got to go back to work, after my maternity leave, full time again. And my husband would work from home and care for our baby those two days a week I was at work.

I was so jealous of him, feeding my baby, and putting her to sleep, while I was stuck feeding other people's babies, and putting them to sleep. Not nearly as hard, since Daddy was her caretaker. But still, I was jealous.

And less than two years later, we were there again. This time, I was going to have to quit. Or at least be very part time. He couldn't work with two babies at home. The cost of three children in daycare was more than I would bring home. And there was no one else to watch them, even one day a week.That decision was easy. This time, I was going to get what I wanted. Again, we planned, we saved, and we were prepared. Then, once again, life got us. We got hit with a major, frivolous lawsuit, that eventually was dismissed from court, but not before it cost more then my college education in bills. So, I stayed part time, switching to night shift as to be home during the day.

Matt got offered a fantastic job out of the blue. We moved. The cost of living here is less than half of what it was before. He is making more than enough for both of us, with big career potential. Finally, Murphy tossed us something good. I cut back even more.  I have considered teaching with my masters, but it seems that when I stepped off my career path, getting back on is not so easy. "So why did you give up your management position to go part time?" " Because the hospital doesn't pay me enough to afford childcare" is not an acceptable answer. Working 150 miles away from home is pretty tough, when they expect you to attend one hour meetings frequently. The gas costs more than I make. I don't have good sleeping accomodations for the nights I do work. And, after January 5, when my contract is up, I don't have to. He is totally supportive of me never going back to work. So the time is right for me to quit.

So could someone please tell me why I cannot make this leap? Why I am so hesitant to give up my job now, when I would have happily tossed it a few years ago? I think that it is because of our recent history of the hypothetical  "what if's" actually coming our way. I cannot be a pediatric nurse here, and it is all I know. Adult nursing holds no interest for me. Really, I would like to test out the entrepreneurial waters with my own business, maybe cooking or baking, or my much coveted baby store. I would love to buy another crappy house and fix it up and sell it. I can think of a hundred other things I could do. But actually leaping away from nursing, possibly forever, is a scary thought.

So I need some advice from my friends. If you were me, would you take this chance?