Our Annual Digital Christmas Letter. Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
Here we are in our new house. We've been working and working to make it a nice and happy place for our children to live. They have been thriving in their new environment. They hardly know what to do with a Daddy that is home every night. Or with a Mommy that doesn't work every single weekend. I love being here on the weekends. I love being normal and sleeping normally again. I love being here every single day with my kids. And I have had some time, maybe too much time, to think.
Eight years ago, I had to put my first baby in daycare. I hated it. We had a fantastic provider who loved her like her own children. But I still hated that I wasn't there with her. I begged to stay home with her. I wanted it so badly. But the numbers didn't work out. Even then, health care insurance prohibited me from being able to afford any less than full time work. So I went back. I was sad. I cried so many nights. I felt like I was failing my baby. I hated that my friends were able to stay home with their babies, while I had to go to work. I envied those friends that had grandmas who were willing to watch their baby so they could work (my parents lived much too far away). I still remember a family member telling her friend, right in front of me, how she "hated that Ellie has to be in daycare all day." I hated her for that, for doubting what we had to do and for not being the support we so desperately could have used. (Bitter, much? Why yes, I am.)
Fast forward four years later, my career was thriving as was Matt's. We had another baby on the way, and after she was born, I was planning to quit. We had planned, and saved, and were totally prepared. I was excited. I was counting down the days. But, as life tends to do, two days before she was born, all our plans got derailed. Now I got to go back to work, after my maternity leave, full time again. And my husband would work from home and care for our baby those two days a week I was at work.
I was so jealous of him, feeding my baby, and putting her to sleep, while I was stuck feeding other people's babies, and putting them to sleep. Not nearly as hard, since Daddy was her caretaker. But still, I was jealous.
And less than two years later, we were there again. This time, I was going to have to quit. Or at least be very part time. He couldn't work with two babies at home. The cost of three children in daycare was more than I would bring home. And there was no one else to watch them, even one day a week.That decision was easy. This time, I was going to get what I wanted. Again, we planned, we saved, and we were prepared. Then, once again, life got us. We got hit with a major, frivolous lawsuit, that eventually was dismissed from court, but not before it cost more then my college education in bills. So, I stayed part time, switching to night shift as to be home during the day.
Matt got offered a fantastic job out of the blue. We moved. The cost of living here is less than half of what it was before. He is making more than enough for both of us, with big career potential. Finally, Murphy tossed us something good. I cut back even more. I have considered teaching with my masters, but it seems that when I stepped off my career path, getting back on is not so easy. "So why did you give up your management position to go part time?" " Because the hospital doesn't pay me enough to afford childcare" is not an acceptable answer. Working 150 miles away from home is pretty tough, when they expect you to attend one hour meetings frequently. The gas costs more than I make. I don't have good sleeping accomodations for the nights I do work. And, after January 5, when my contract is up, I don't have to. He is totally supportive of me never going back to work. So the time is right for me to quit.
So could someone please tell me why I cannot make this leap? Why I am so hesitant to give up my job now, when I would have happily tossed it a few years ago? I think that it is because of our recent history of the hypothetical "what if's" actually coming our way. I cannot be a pediatric nurse here, and it is all I know. Adult nursing holds no interest for me. Really, I would like to test out the entrepreneurial waters with my own business, maybe cooking or baking, or my much coveted baby store. I would love to buy another crappy house and fix it up and sell it. I can think of a hundred other things I could do. But actually leaping away from nursing, possibly forever, is a scary thought.
So I need some advice from my friends. If you were me, would you take this chance?
Eight years ago, I had to put my first baby in daycare. I hated it. We had a fantastic provider who loved her like her own children. But I still hated that I wasn't there with her. I begged to stay home with her. I wanted it so badly. But the numbers didn't work out. Even then, health care insurance prohibited me from being able to afford any less than full time work. So I went back. I was sad. I cried so many nights. I felt like I was failing my baby. I hated that my friends were able to stay home with their babies, while I had to go to work. I envied those friends that had grandmas who were willing to watch their baby so they could work (my parents lived much too far away). I still remember a family member telling her friend, right in front of me, how she "hated that Ellie has to be in daycare all day." I hated her for that, for doubting what we had to do and for not being the support we so desperately could have used. (Bitter, much? Why yes, I am.)
Fast forward four years later, my career was thriving as was Matt's. We had another baby on the way, and after she was born, I was planning to quit. We had planned, and saved, and were totally prepared. I was excited. I was counting down the days. But, as life tends to do, two days before she was born, all our plans got derailed. Now I got to go back to work, after my maternity leave, full time again. And my husband would work from home and care for our baby those two days a week I was at work.
I was so jealous of him, feeding my baby, and putting her to sleep, while I was stuck feeding other people's babies, and putting them to sleep. Not nearly as hard, since Daddy was her caretaker. But still, I was jealous.
And less than two years later, we were there again. This time, I was going to have to quit. Or at least be very part time. He couldn't work with two babies at home. The cost of three children in daycare was more than I would bring home. And there was no one else to watch them, even one day a week.That decision was easy. This time, I was going to get what I wanted. Again, we planned, we saved, and we were prepared. Then, once again, life got us. We got hit with a major, frivolous lawsuit, that eventually was dismissed from court, but not before it cost more then my college education in bills. So, I stayed part time, switching to night shift as to be home during the day.
Matt got offered a fantastic job out of the blue. We moved. The cost of living here is less than half of what it was before. He is making more than enough for both of us, with big career potential. Finally, Murphy tossed us something good. I cut back even more. I have considered teaching with my masters, but it seems that when I stepped off my career path, getting back on is not so easy. "So why did you give up your management position to go part time?" " Because the hospital doesn't pay me enough to afford childcare" is not an acceptable answer. Working 150 miles away from home is pretty tough, when they expect you to attend one hour meetings frequently. The gas costs more than I make. I don't have good sleeping accomodations for the nights I do work. And, after January 5, when my contract is up, I don't have to. He is totally supportive of me never going back to work. So the time is right for me to quit.
So could someone please tell me why I cannot make this leap? Why I am so hesitant to give up my job now, when I would have happily tossed it a few years ago? I think that it is because of our recent history of the hypothetical "what if's" actually coming our way. I cannot be a pediatric nurse here, and it is all I know. Adult nursing holds no interest for me. Really, I would like to test out the entrepreneurial waters with my own business, maybe cooking or baking, or my much coveted baby store. I would love to buy another crappy house and fix it up and sell it. I can think of a hundred other things I could do. But actually leaping away from nursing, possibly forever, is a scary thought.
So I need some advice from my friends. If you were me, would you take this chance?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Two
Two is truly an amazing age. At two years of age, development takes off, and we can see the baby really start to fade, as the little preview of the person they will be emerge. My boy has just began this year, and I can see him blooming right before our eyes.
He looks just like his sisters, which is to say, he looks like his mommy. Apparently, Daddy doesn't possess very strong genes, or they got lost along the way. He shares his oldest sister's sweetness and compassion, and his middle sister's crazy, creative mind. He does is very best to keep up with them, and refuses to be left behind.
He loves tractors and trucks. He looks every day for the shirt that has the characters from "Cars" on it to wear. He sleeps in a big boy bed and stays put every night. He demands chocolate milk at the crack of dawn. He sometimes will snuggle with his mommy, for just a minute, then when he is reassured the world is right, he is off to his next task. He follows his daddy around, determined to help him with every task. He wants to use power tool. And he watches each day at the door, wondering when Daddy will come home, and asking if he will take him swimming.
What I hope this translates to, is that as an adult, he will grow up to be compassionate, helpful, independent, and be able to think outside the box. That he will find someone to love, and be the kind of husband every girl wants. That he will love his family, and know when to be there and when to back away. And that he will be successful in most of life, but learn from what he is not.
Two is amazing. I see the person he will become, but for now, I get him all to myself. And that is the most amazing of all.
He looks just like his sisters, which is to say, he looks like his mommy. Apparently, Daddy doesn't possess very strong genes, or they got lost along the way. He shares his oldest sister's sweetness and compassion, and his middle sister's crazy, creative mind. He does is very best to keep up with them, and refuses to be left behind.
He loves tractors and trucks. He looks every day for the shirt that has the characters from "Cars" on it to wear. He sleeps in a big boy bed and stays put every night. He demands chocolate milk at the crack of dawn. He sometimes will snuggle with his mommy, for just a minute, then when he is reassured the world is right, he is off to his next task. He follows his daddy around, determined to help him with every task. He wants to use power tool. And he watches each day at the door, wondering when Daddy will come home, and asking if he will take him swimming.
What I hope this translates to, is that as an adult, he will grow up to be compassionate, helpful, independent, and be able to think outside the box. That he will find someone to love, and be the kind of husband every girl wants. That he will love his family, and know when to be there and when to back away. And that he will be successful in most of life, but learn from what he is not.
Two is amazing. I see the person he will become, but for now, I get him all to myself. And that is the most amazing of all.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Patience
I am not a terribly patient person.
I have never had much patience for drama, or theatrics. Or people who believe their problems are so awful, when in fact, they have no idea what a real problem is. It stresses me out, trying to be the kind person that comes out of me every now and then, instead of telling them to get a grip, their life isn't that bad. Oh, how many times I have wanted to haul somebody in to see a truly sick baby and say "Look, that baby is sick. Your problem, yeah, not that bad. You don't know problem until you've walked in those itty bitty shoes, or the shoes of their family."
I am trying to remember that now. That it isn't that bad.
It isn't so terrible that we are living apart. I still have a husband who loves me.
It isn't so awful that we are waiting, waiting for our house to sell. At least we have a house to sell, and are not underwater, like so many I know.
It isn't so bad that I don't sleep, so people can look at my house. At least they are looking. 12 showings in 6 days is a good thing.
It won't be so bad, moving away from everything I love. Maybe I will find new friends, and another place I like too.
I shouldn't complain that we racked up more in lawyer fees in nine months then four years of college cost. I should be so very thankful that we still have a home to sell. And I should be grateful that it is over, at least.
In fact, I should be very happy all around. Things should start going our way very soon. We have three beautiful children. We are working so hard on our new house, and will make it something we love. We will be together. It isn't that bad. It will be good. Eventually.
The part of me that is crabby and bitter can think of so many negatives. How unfair it was to be dragged into the middle of someone else's drama, costing us a fortune. How hard it is to be the parent that has to be everything for these children, and the working girl instead of a wife every weekend. How I worry every single day about my children, two in particular that have different issues, but both could drastically alter their lives, or cause them irreparable harm. How I wish I knew what to do about them, so my children are safe.
But, the part of me that is rational continues to say "come on now, girl, get on up." Life isn't fair. The world isn't fair. Patience is a virtue I must continue to work on. So i do. And I will. And I will wait, for it all to work out. And I will attempt to smile and be happy and move on.
Disclaimer: This blog was always meant for me. For me to say what I want, and show what I want. For me to be the person I am. I love my friends that read it. And I caution those that may not want to hear the truth to just never click back on this link. I am real. I am genuine. This is my perspective on my life. And I don't mince words.
I have never had much patience for drama, or theatrics. Or people who believe their problems are so awful, when in fact, they have no idea what a real problem is. It stresses me out, trying to be the kind person that comes out of me every now and then, instead of telling them to get a grip, their life isn't that bad. Oh, how many times I have wanted to haul somebody in to see a truly sick baby and say "Look, that baby is sick. Your problem, yeah, not that bad. You don't know problem until you've walked in those itty bitty shoes, or the shoes of their family."
I am trying to remember that now. That it isn't that bad.
It isn't so terrible that we are living apart. I still have a husband who loves me.
It isn't so awful that we are waiting, waiting for our house to sell. At least we have a house to sell, and are not underwater, like so many I know.
It isn't so bad that I don't sleep, so people can look at my house. At least they are looking. 12 showings in 6 days is a good thing.
It won't be so bad, moving away from everything I love. Maybe I will find new friends, and another place I like too.
I shouldn't complain that we racked up more in lawyer fees in nine months then four years of college cost. I should be so very thankful that we still have a home to sell. And I should be grateful that it is over, at least.
In fact, I should be very happy all around. Things should start going our way very soon. We have three beautiful children. We are working so hard on our new house, and will make it something we love. We will be together. It isn't that bad. It will be good. Eventually.
The part of me that is crabby and bitter can think of so many negatives. How unfair it was to be dragged into the middle of someone else's drama, costing us a fortune. How hard it is to be the parent that has to be everything for these children, and the working girl instead of a wife every weekend. How I worry every single day about my children, two in particular that have different issues, but both could drastically alter their lives, or cause them irreparable harm. How I wish I knew what to do about them, so my children are safe.
But, the part of me that is rational continues to say "come on now, girl, get on up." Life isn't fair. The world isn't fair. Patience is a virtue I must continue to work on. So i do. And I will. And I will wait, for it all to work out. And I will attempt to smile and be happy and move on.
Disclaimer: This blog was always meant for me. For me to say what I want, and show what I want. For me to be the person I am. I love my friends that read it. And I caution those that may not want to hear the truth to just never click back on this link. I am real. I am genuine. This is my perspective on my life. And I don't mince words.
Monday, April 16, 2012
They May Be...
They may be bad sometimes.
They may argue and mess and get into everything. They may scream in the car, and spit chocolate milk at each other. They may debate with me until I want to scream in the car. They may roll around, and dump stuff out of my pantry and play in the toilet water when not supervised.
They may be bad sometimes. But they are good so much more often. They read to each other. They play with each other. They get each other snacks. They give bedtime and goodbye hugs and kisses. He worships his sisters. They adore their baby brother. And the girls are becoming better friends all the time.
We are so very lucky and so very blessed. We will always be so thankful for them.
Happy April, everyone.
They may argue and mess and get into everything. They may scream in the car, and spit chocolate milk at each other. They may debate with me until I want to scream in the car. They may roll around, and dump stuff out of my pantry and play in the toilet water when not supervised.
They may be bad sometimes. But they are good so much more often. They read to each other. They play with each other. They get each other snacks. They give bedtime and goodbye hugs and kisses. He worships his sisters. They adore their baby brother. And the girls are becoming better friends all the time.
We are so very lucky and so very blessed. We will always be so thankful for them.
Happy April, everyone.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Come See Our New House!
Want to follow our renovation? I had many requests to blog about our progress on our new house. I have chosen to do that in a separate site, so that our personal site remains what it has always been. So please feel free to visit us over there and keep track of our happenings!
The Diary of the "Ugly House"
The Diary of the "Ugly House"
Sunday, March 25, 2012
What I am Teaching my Kids
A lot of things, actually. Have you ever been asked this question? It came up recently for us...
I am teaching them to be kind, respectful people, even if they don't always like to be or others are not.
I am teaching compassion for others.
I am teaching generosity, charity, and giving to those with so much less.
I am teaching that we don't scream in Target when things just don't go our way.
I am teaching that climbing the refrigerator to get your own chocolate milk is not safe.
I am teaching gratefulness, being thankful with what you have, and giving to others who have not.
I am teaching that we must always be polite to people we don't know.
I am teaching that I-pods don't grow on trees, and chucking them to the floor is a bad plan.
I am teaching that some people are disrespectful. That doesn't give you a reason to be disrespectful back.
I am teaching them that their sister is deathly allergic to cats. And that I protect her, just as I protect them.
I am teaching my children that sometimes, people treat you badly. Sometimes people are mean and hurtful. Sometimes, people make choices that hurt us, or those we love.
I am teaching that no one, ever, has the right to treat you, or those you love, badly. And when people prove they cannot treat you well, you must still be respectful. You do not, however, have to include that person in your life. You cannot change others, only how you let others affect you.
I am teaching them to be kind to each other, and that when your little sister or brother starts screaming at you or destroying your room, you do not have to include them in your activity.
I am teaching the brother and sister (and the big one, occasionally) that these are the consequences of choosing to be unkind.
I am teaching them that they are valuable, and they deserve to be treated with respect.
I am teaching them that I will always be on their side, even if others are not.
And quite honestly, I think I am doing a pretty good job.
I am teaching them to be kind, respectful people, even if they don't always like to be or others are not.
I am teaching compassion for others.
I am teaching generosity, charity, and giving to those with so much less.
I am teaching that we don't scream in Target when things just don't go our way.
I am teaching that climbing the refrigerator to get your own chocolate milk is not safe.
I am teaching gratefulness, being thankful with what you have, and giving to others who have not.
I am teaching that we must always be polite to people we don't know.
I am teaching that I-pods don't grow on trees, and chucking them to the floor is a bad plan.
I am teaching that some people are disrespectful. That doesn't give you a reason to be disrespectful back.
I am teaching them that their sister is deathly allergic to cats. And that I protect her, just as I protect them.
I am teaching my children that sometimes, people treat you badly. Sometimes people are mean and hurtful. Sometimes, people make choices that hurt us, or those we love.
I am teaching that no one, ever, has the right to treat you, or those you love, badly. And when people prove they cannot treat you well, you must still be respectful. You do not, however, have to include that person in your life. You cannot change others, only how you let others affect you.
I am teaching them to be kind to each other, and that when your little sister or brother starts screaming at you or destroying your room, you do not have to include them in your activity.
I am teaching the brother and sister (and the big one, occasionally) that these are the consequences of choosing to be unkind.
I am teaching them that they are valuable, and they deserve to be treated with respect.
I am teaching them that I will always be on their side, even if others are not.
And quite honestly, I think I am doing a pretty good job.
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